Do any of you remember that time in fifth sixth or seventh grade when you first learn about sex? I know I sure do. To this day I still remember being locked in the gym with the windows blacked out and being shown a 60 minute movie, surrounded by my classmates and being told all about how we’re all about to become hairy , smelly and occasionally leaky. After the movie we were all given the opportunity to ask questions about what we had just seen, not that any of us have the balls, yet, to do so. After that experience I don’t think any of us talked to our female classmates for at least a week. I also remember that we all got really mad at KH because right after the movie we’d gone out to recess and he proceeded to tell some fifth grader everything that we had just seen and heard.
Now these many years later I find myself facing the possibility of being on the other side of that horrifying and traumatizing experience. That’s right folks guess who gets to be part of the growing up talk for the fifth graders at his school.So I get to be in the room when the kids watch their version of the sex ed film. A film which might I add is being narrated by the lead guitarist of an eighties rock band. Do you know how hard it’s going to be to talk to these boys about their penis and testicles after having watched a film where the narrator’s eighties style haircut makes him look like a penis. Not only do I have to talk about these things I have to help the boys fill out a worksheet that contains a diagram of the male anatomy that they must then the label. Let’s face it folks this is gonna suck. I mean I’m 35 years old and I can’t even say the word boobies without breaking into the giggles. Now I’m suppose to face a room of 45 fifth grade boys and use words like penis, testicles, scrotum semen, sperm and urethra without so much as a smile. The only part of this whole disaster that I’m actually looking forward to is the part where we tell the boys about personal hygiene. Because lets face it if you’ve never been a roomful of 10 or more 5th grade boys after recess on a warm spring or fall day you have no idea how funky boys can be. Thankfully this whole nightmare takes place Friday afternoon right before the end of the day. At least that way once and I’m done trying to give a straight faced, scientific explanation of a scrotum I can hand each of them their little goodie bag full of a sample of Old Spice deodorant and send them out the door. I then plan to find the nearest bar and order the largest a tequila I can get my hands on. Keep your fingers crossed for me and I’ll let you know how everything turns out. Unless of course I luck out and somehow contract bubonic plague before Friday.
